# New Business Intro Letter Feedback Please



## ModernTreasures (Jul 9, 2014)

I have a new Intro letter to send out to prospective clients and would like some feed back on it please!!


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## Printor (Apr 16, 2015)

Lookin good, maybe change to ''car window signs and decals" and only once. and maybe the "unlimited types of clothing" once.


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## NoXid (Apr 4, 2011)

Is this going out hardcopy or electronic or both?

The font for your email is pretty small. I would drop the intro words: "Phone" and "Email" and use a larger font size for both the phone number and email address. The tan/gold color of that text looks nice, but it contrasts weakly with white; black or blue might be better choices for small text.


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## ModernTreasures (Jul 9, 2014)

Email and regular mail


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## CanarianDrifter (Sep 12, 2012)

Send it through spellcheck. Orientated is not a word. I would not mention or compared other business to yours. Keep it simple. State who you are and what you do.


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## TeeBird100 (Apr 13, 2015)

I would work on fixing a need. You have given the client an introduction and a laundry list, but that is generic. 

What is there pain point when ordering your products? 

Here are a couple of things I would highlight.

== Remember that when we give you a pick up date, we promise we will meet it. We understand you are under time constraints and we value your time.

=== We have a 7 point quality control process making sure that what you need printed is what is printed. Exactly on the right item and in the right place. We guarantee all of our work. 

=== We are experts in the apparel printing industry, so you do not have to be. We will provide a free consultation to make sure you order exactly what you need and show you options. You might be surprised that for a small difference you can get something that goes from good to great. Let us help you. 

This letter is you. You have a very short window to grab the prospects attention. Think of what happens to the "junk mail" in your office and home and how much time you spend on it. Copywriting is something that should be a focus. 

Here is a link for a pressure washer that revamped his marketing and is blowing out doors. Take a look, it is about a 10 minute read, but may help you go from nice to WOW!

Powerwashing Flyers that took business from zero to ,202 per month :: Kopywriting Kourse


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## njcustomtees (Jun 16, 2013)

Nothing jumps at me. Put a sample picture of work you have done or a special offer. Pictures and Prices stand out over just text. Look at the Sunday paper inserts for ideas. Pictures and Prices.


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## jennGO (Mar 11, 2014)

Yeah as a business owner I would want pieces such as

Tote bags starting at $5/piece and up 

Or something like that

I would want to receive something tailored to my industry instead of something so generic but maybe others don't feel that way


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## ModernTreasures (Jul 9, 2014)

CanarianDrifter said:


> Send it through spellcheck. Orientated is not a word. I would not mention or compared other business to yours. Keep it simple. State who you are and what you do.



I did after you suggested it and to show how good spell check is, it didn't pick "orientated" so i manually changed it... Thanks


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## CanarianDrifter (Sep 12, 2012)

I think the word is correct but not in the context you were using.


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## TriangleDreamer (Nov 28, 2014)

CanarianDrifter said:


> I think the word is correct but not in the context you were using.


Yep, in this context the appropriate word is "oriented". I'd also drop the second use of "now" in the 3rd paragraph. And I agree with what others have said about tailoring the message to provide more of "what's in it for me" to the prospective client.


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## SunEmbroidery (Oct 18, 2007)

I would increase the font size for your address, phone and email and drop the words "phone" and "email".

I would drop your first sentence.

I would start with an attention getting sentence such as " Need..."

Does "i.e" start a sentence? I would put "Do you know someone having a special event soon such as a wedding, anniversary or birthday?"

I would make the sentence "We personally look at every item to make sure it passes with flying colors" more specific such as "every item we print"

I would remove "(but not limited to)". "Here are some examples" already says that.

I would remove "(that you supply)".

I would clarify "You have no inventory to worry about or hope to sell". 

I don't care for your bullet style. I would use your text to create your style rather than stylized bullets.

In general I would talk more about the benefits provided by custom printing such as advertising a business wherever you go, creating a memorable gift, remembering a special event.


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## ModernTreasures (Jul 9, 2014)

I want to Thank everyone for their great suggestions!!! This was my 1st attempt at this. My wife decided to sit down last night and rewrite the whole thing so as soon as she is done with it I will repost her copy and start this discussion all over!!!

Thanks again,
Steve


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## headfirst (Jun 29, 2011)

Direct mail works awesome. I built my business on direct mail. 

Who are you sending this to? Is it your target market? 

I've found a three step letter works best for farming a new area. Letter, Letter, Letter, then monthly post cards.

In terms of feedback on the letter, I would focus more on benefit rather than feature and remember, your customer has no idea what vinyl is. All they know is that it sounds cheap.

Why would they want your vinyl apparel? Are you offering this to businesses? Are you trying to get referrals? What is your main goal with the letter?


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## ModernTreasures (Jul 9, 2014)

MarStephenson761 said:


> Hey Steve, are you doing anything online as well? Are you showing up when someone looks at Google Maps, or Bing in your area? It's not hard to make sure you're listed properly, is free to do and it's important to back up your postcards..
> 
> This is a class that takes you through doing that step by step - IT'S not free, but everything else to get listed and linked is  Local SEO: How to Get Found Online for Free


I will definitely look into this...Thanks


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